Nothing will fuck up your twenties more than thinking you’re supposed to have your shit together.
i have this friend, his name’s jamal, and when we were younger, he was obsessed with pokemon, and pretended he was a pokemon trainer. one time we saw this stray cat, and he pretended it was a pokemon, and tried to catch it, and somehow he actually managed to get a hold of it. his family’s had it ever since
now we call him “got a cat” jamal
Fun things to say when someone tells you they’re going to go to the bathroom:
- Stay safe
- That’s what they all say
- Different strokes for different folks
- I hope you have the time of your life
- But you have so much to live for
- Please explain
- Do you need a hug?
- Take my sword
- The dragon walks alone
- That’s not the code word
- I wish I could do that. I haven’t been able to…since the accident
• go for the gold
What do you call a man who is short, speaks in rhymes, and is able to spin straw into gold?
No really I’m not joking here, he’s coming for my firstborn in three days and I need to figure out his name.